I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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