Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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