We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
