sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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