I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
