WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
