Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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