You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
