farters have to be the big spoon...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
