I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
