I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
...so i touched it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
