I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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