I cannot find my penis.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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