I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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