Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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