i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize