I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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