My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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