my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
