I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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