I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
