Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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