rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
