My room smells like vodka and shame
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
