Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just invented taco cereal.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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