I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
