Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
