Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
