I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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