After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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