the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
