The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
