oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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