I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
