is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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