M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
