If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
