STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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