Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize