Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
