Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
