I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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