i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
