I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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