I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
