Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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