i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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