Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
