If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
