Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
