I want to stick my p in your. b.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize