Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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