I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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