i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
