i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there was a trapeze. enough said
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
