i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
