Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
