I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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