So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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